Tag Archives: humor

Baptizing in Rusty Water

What an exciting day! I was a new pastor and I was going to baptize a young adult lady who had recently trusted Christ as Savior. This was to be my very first baptism. And, to make it even more exciting, this would be the first baptism for our small congregation in two years. I couldn’t wait for Sunday!

But, I had a big problem. Though the church had not baptized anyone in a couple of years, water had steadily dripped from the faucet which filled the baptistry. And, the baptistry was made out of sheet metal. Who makes a baptistry out of sheet metal? Sheet metal rusts! This had to be the work of a committee! The dripping faucet left the drain completely clogged and several inches of rusty water stagnating at the bottom.

I had to face this dilemma head on. On Saturday morning, Continue reading

The Preaching Privilege

The ringing of my phone jarred me awake at 2:55 on Sunday morning. 2:55! Vaguely conscious, I mumbled some sort of greeting. It must have sounded like I’d smoked profusely for a lifetime.

Someone on the other line said something about being with a security company and that an alarm was going off at our church building. “Church? What’s a church?” Slowly, the fog in my brain began to lift and I asked a few questions. Apparently, the wind had caused an unlocked door at our church building to set off an alarm. No motion detectors were activated so it seemed all was well. After some additional words the phone call ended. It was nearly 3 a.m.

Since becoming a pastor decades ago, Saturday night sleep has always been fitful. Continue reading

How to Have a Lousy Marriage in Seven Easy Steps

Married or planning to marry? Want to make that marriage as unhappy, bitter and painful as possible? Well, you’ve come to the right place. Here are seven easy steps to having a lousy marriage.

1. Make your marriage all about you. This is Lousy Marriage 101. Don’t consider your spouse. Make it all about you, you, you. Forget their interests, needs or love language. Better to not think of them at all. Keep the focus of the marriage all about what you want, what you like and what you need. Is that so hard? Continue reading

Bad Ideas for Church Advertising

While in another country, I saw ads painted on the sides of homes and buildings. It was a way for the home or business owner to make some extra income. So, I started thinking about churches. They have big walls and could use extra income. What if they used those walls for advertising? The ideas are endless- and bad ideas abundant. Here are some of those bad ideas for church wall advertising.

– Rogaine. It works for Pastor Bob.

РDr. Pepper. The preferred soft drink for non-heretics.

– Youth Pastor Jimmy recommends Continue reading

How to be a knucklehead in 10 easy steps

Looking for some simple ideas on how you can be a knucklehead? Well, you’ve come to the right place. Follow these 10 simple steps and you will be well on your way to the exciting world of life as a knucklehead. Good luck on your wonderful adventure! (Good thing I didn’t mention sarcasm as one of the steps.)

1. Write snarky emails, letters and responses. (Bonus points for writing them with the shield of anonymity. Double bonus points for mockery used while anonymous.)
2. Respond to mean emails while still angry.
3. Don’t give others the benefit of the doubt.
4. Be angry when others don’t give you the benefit of the doubt.
5. Consider nuances in the tones of the voice of others who talk with you. They must say the Continue reading