I would imagine my election as commissioner of MLB is imminent. Afterall, I collected baseball cards when I was young, watch baseball on TV some, and caught foul balls at a Cardinals game and a Rangers game. I’m obviously qualified. It should come through any minute now. Here are the changes I will implement when that takes place. (Outside of the massive raise I will give myself- that just seems so obvious.)
1. The All Star game won’t count. It is an exhibition game for crying out loud. It shouldn’t count for home field advantage in the World Series. Let it be a feel good, make an overly big deal about retiring Yankees, have fun, see the guy in the other league that you don’t know much about, play everyone, kind of game.
2. No more DH. The Designated Hitter robs us of the joy of seeing people like ourselves. We miss seeing pitchers who can’t hit. We miss seeing aging fat guys chase pop ups. We like seeing people try to hit who can’t hit. (I’m not speaking of the Cubs, just
the pitchers who can’t hit.) We like seeing aging fat guys chase pop ups. We can relate.
3. Slap down PEDs. Bans will replace stern looks.
4. Booing will be banned. I’m not sure Philly can survive this, but no more booing. Especially, no booing of your own team! Exceptions are made for booing loafers and pitchers intentionally walking your favorite player- and when the mascot falls off the dugout. And maybe when the ball girls boots a foul ball. And maybe when the drunk guys runs on the field and holds up the game.
5. No more throwing the home runs of opposing players back onto the field. You don’t like that the other team hit a home run. We get that. Just use the ball in the back yard with the kids, or let the neighbors’ dog use it as a chew toy.
6. Increase the Commish’s pension so massively that he can retire immediately. All this pressure is too much for me!